Tony's Big Blog O' Lists

Say Hello To My Little Friend!!!: The Top Ten Movie Weapons Of All Time

: the_bastard_son; May 10th, 2010

We, as Americans, are said to be a nation obsessed with weapons. Not just guns, but any instrument of destruction that not only looks cool but does a maximum amount of damage in the process. I think this assesment is a little unfair. Sure, this country has its share of gun nuts who cream in their pants at the sight of a Magnum revolver with a laser scope, but most people aren't too crazy with weapons. What they like is seeing stylized violence from weapons that can only be imagined on the big screen. Not saying that some of these weapons aren't real, because some of them are. But some are obviously a few hundred years from being a reality, which makes them all the more cool.

10. Owen's truck from Tango and Cash
If you're not familiar with the late-80's action masterpiece that is Tango and Cash, let me give you a brief synopsis. Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russel) are the two top cops in Los Angeles. Tango is a capatalist who enjoys Armani suits and reading the Wall Street Journal. Cash is a slob who doesn't let his alimony payments get in the way of having a good time. They are framed by Jack Palance for a crime they didn't commit and must seek out an audio tape that clears their good names. They actually aquire this tape about 3/4ths of the way through the movie. Not knowing how to burn off the extra 20 minutes they need to make it a 90 minute movie, the writers inject an unnecessary character named Owen (the great Michael J. Pollard) who invents weapons that make huge explosions that kill nameless bad guys. So Tango and Cash take the urban assault vehicle seen above and make huge explosions and kill dozens of nameless bad guys for the last 20 minutes...totally forgetting that they already have the audio tape that clears them of any wrong doing. It's meatheaded 80's moviemaking at it's best, and look at that car! It has guns on top of guns! I wonder what the blue book value is.

9. The Green Destiny Sword from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Green Destiny sword is the weapon of master Li Mu Bai (Chow Yun Fat). When it is learned that Bai is retiring the sword and giving it to a trusted friend, it is stolen by his sworn enemy The Jade Fox. Posessing mystical powers and coveted by the most powerful masters in China, the Green Destiny is a weapon of legend and is brought to it's fullest potential when weilded by it's master. The money shot: when the Jade Fox tries killing Bai with hundreds of poisonous darts only to have them deflected back to her by the Green Destiny. All, of course, except one.

8. Blaine's gun from Predator
There is a lot of impressive firepower on display in Predator, but the coolest weapon in my opinion is the portable gatling gun wielded by Blaine (Jesse Ventura). Able to cut a paramilitary force in half in about 10 seconds, this weapon is so legendary that it made a cameo apperance 4 years later in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

7. The Glow from The Last Dragon
In the universe of Berry Gordy, when a martial artist achieves the pinnacle of his training then he aquires a glow that makes his karate about 20 times more kick-ass. The movie teases this glow for its entirety before finally climaxing in the showdown between Leroy "Bruce Leroy" Green (Taimak) and Sho Nuff, The Shogun of Harlem (the late Julius Carry). I guess glows can read the morals of their masters since Leroy's glow is blue and gold and Sho Nuff's is red, but regardless of color the glow is pretty bad ass. It makes you impervious to injury from someone not possesing a glow and it creates sparks when you hit someone, just to further prove how bad ass it is. I want a glow.

6. Scanning in Scanners
Telekinetic powers can be dangerous if in the wrong hands, as is proved in David Cronnenberg's Scanners. How dangerous? Ask the guy in the picture above. Able to do everything from blow people's heads up to make them spontaniously combust into a fireball, Scanners are not ones to be fucked with.

5. Proton Packs from Ghostbusters
Show me a child from the 80's who didn't desperately want a Proton Pack after seeing Ghostbusters for the first time. You can't? That's because they don't exist. Not only did I want one to catch ghosts, but I wanted to laso neighborhood kids with it, too. I might not have gone the extra mile by sucking them into the containment unit, but still. Proton Packs, I'm convinced, would sell like hotcakes if put out on the market. Just don't cross the streams.

4. Tony Montana's "Little Friend" from Scarface
A lot of people think that the gun used by Tony Montana (Al Pacino) at the end of Scarface is some sort of mythic creation like Thor's Hammer or the voice of Ronnie James Dio. But this gun is all too real. It's an M-16 assault rifle fitted with a grenade launcher utilizing an extended clip. Given the rabid following Scarface has among wannabe gangsters, this particular gun is said to be one of the highest selling items on the black market.

3. The Bride's Hattori Hanzo Sword from Kill Bill
A sword forged by a Japanese master and able to turn the Crazy 88's into a bloody pile of severed limbs, the Bride's Hattori Hanzo steel is a weapon that will make you need a change of underwear the second it's pulled on you. As beautiful as it is deadly, the sword is a force of nature.

2. Wolverine's Adamantium Claws in X-Men
Razor sharp claws made from an indestructable alloy are cool enough. But when those claws are actually a part of your body, that's a recipe for awesomeness. Straight from the pages of Marvel comics, Wolverine is the best at what he does. And what he does is go into berserker rages and dice people into chunks with his retractable claws. Easily possesing the coolest weapons in the comic book world, this made an easy transition to the big screen via Hugh Jackman's iconic portrayal in 1999.

1. The Death Star in Star Wars
It blows up entire fuckin' planets!!!! End of story.

Too Much Suck For One Film: Ten Of The Worst Sequels Of All Time

: the_bastard_son; April 11th, 2010

It's coming up on the annual Summer Blockbuster Movie Season. And with that, we will soon be bombarded with huge, multi-million dollar special effects laden extravaganzas. And while some of these films are original films or first entries in what will probably be a multi-picture story arc, most of the big summer movies are usually sequels. This summer we have Iron Man 2, Toy Story 3, Shrek 4, and Sex and the City 5: Why Won't These Old Women Stop Having Sex? While some sequels equal their previous entries or (in rare cases like Godfather pt.2, Spiderman 2, and Superman 2) better the first film, most sequels are a step down from the initial adventure. And as the following 10 examples will show you, that step can be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

10. Spider-Man 3
When I saw the first trailer for Spider-Man 3, I geeked out. How could I not? As a comic-book nerd, I thought that tackling the black symbiote stroyline would be a slam dunk. Especially since it sets up the introduction of Venom, my favorite Spider-Man villian. There's no way a talented filmmaker like Sam Raimi could possibly fuck this up...right? Wrong. While not a horrible movie, Spider-Man 3 is by no means a good one. And that is really a dissapointment considering that the first entry was really solid and the second is one of the best comic book movies ever made. The main problem with the flick is that it tries to pack way too much into one movie, namely by having two villians share the screen instead of just focusing on one. Thomas Hayden Church was an inspired choice to play the Sandman, but his character just goes nowhere. And Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom? Don't get me wrong, I like Topher Grace as a comedic actor but anybody who's read the comic books will tell you that he would probably be the last choice to play the character. Venom is built like Brock Lesnar, not the skinny kid from That 70's Show. Raimi admitted that Venom was one of his least favorite characters and it showed in how he was handled in the film. Too bad Venom is a fan favorite and the film pissed a lot of those fans off. This was Raimi and Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man swan song, which is pretty sad. Now we have the reboot to look forward to...hopefully.

9. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
I will admit, I thought this movie was pretty good time. It had a lot of same thrills and spills of the previous Indiana Jones movies and I walked away from it feeling like I didn't throw my money down the toilet. But that being said, this is still easily the worst entry in the Indiana Jones saga. I know Indy can't fight Nazis all the time, but aliens? Really? This movie stinks of George Lucas having way too much input. Steven Spielberg even came out in interviews after the movie's release admitting that if he had his way, it would've been more in line with the other Indiana Jones movies. There's a simple solution to this: throw George Lucas into an underground cell and not let him out until the final cut is in theaters. They should have used the same approach with the Star Wars prequels. Speaking of which...

8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Okay, so it's a prequel instead of a sequel. But when Jar Jar Binks is involved, this can be overlooked. Easily the most highly anticipated movie in recent memory, The Phantom Menace almost demanded you to see it at the first possible moment. Even Star Wars geeks who had been tucked away in their parents' basements for a decade had slithered out into the light of day to go see this movie. And when the house lights came up and it was time to leave the theater, almost everybody had the same reaction: Man, that was pretty underwhelming. Maybe it was the victim of its own hype. Maybe the expectations were impossible to meet. Either way, it doesn't excuse the fact that the movie itself just isn't very good. This is what George Lucas had spent decades planning? This was the best he could do? A young Darth Vader that yells "Yippee!"? A pod race centerpiece that was basically designed to sell video games? Jar Jar motherfuckin' Binks? The Star Wars faithful chalked this one up to being just the first in the saga. The next two will be amazing, right? RIGHT?!

7. Rocky V
After travelling to to the Soviet Union and almost single-handedly putting an end to the Cold War, critics had started to say that Rocky was biting off more than he could chew. Not being able to justify Rocky going to South Africa and ending Aparthied, Stallone bowed to critical pressure and decided to bring Rocky back to his roots. After suffering severe brain damage after his fight with Ivan Drago, Rocky finds out that his brother-in-law Paulie has mismanaged his money to the point that he is now dead broke and must now move back to the south Philly neighborhood from whence he came. But instead of an earthy riches to rags tale more in line with the first Rocky, Stallone gives us Rocky training an up and comer who turns around and screws him over for a Don King wannabe. And the finale involves a street fight that is broadcast live on CNN. When has that ever happened? Stallone would get his shit together almost 20 years later with the more subdued Rocky Balboa, but that doesn't erase the stink of Rocky V.

6. Major League II
The first Major League is one of my favorite baseball movies. It's funny, profane, and gave you characters you cared about. So when I heard they were making a sequel, I was kinda excited...until I took a closer look. First off, Wesley Snipes did one of the few wise things of his career and decided not to come back for this film. Instead of doing the right thing and trading his character or explaining his absence in some other way, they commit a huge movie taboo by filling the role with a different actor (in this case, Omar Epps). But more shocking than that was the movie's rating. While the first film was gleefully rated R, this new film was to be rated PG. Not PG-13 but PG. Talk about night and day. Since the change in adult content was so drastic, it took the characters that you loved in the first film and sanitized them beyond recognition. This movie bombed so bad that the third entry only brought back Dennis Haysbert and Corbin Bernsen and was anchored by Scott fuckin' Bakula.

5. Karate Kid Part 3
The first Karate Kid is a trailblazing 80's sports movie. One of the first "zero to hero" movies that would litter the video shelves in your local 80's mom and pop store. The second film was basically the same as the first, only transplanted to Japan. The third brings the action back to the USA, and I use the word "action" loosely. The plot revolves around the sensi of the Cobra Kai dojo from the first film wanting to get revenge on Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi, so he employs the help of his Vietnam buddy who also happens to be a wealthy industrialist who deals in that most evil of 80's substances: toxic waste. He uses his money, influence, and bonds with Satan to try to pull Daniel towards the dark side. After Daniel resists, he is thrown into a match with a bad boy martial artist at the same tournament from the first film. There's also a subplot involving bansei trees. If this hasn't peaked your interest enough, there's also a platonic girlfriend for Daniel...yeah. Ralph Macchio, in his mid 30's at this point, played Daniel for the last time in this film. Dry your eyes.

4. Jaws: The Revenge
The first Jaws is a masterpiece. All of the sequels are pure garbage. And this entry, the fourth, is the biggest stinker of the lot. After the youngest Brody is killed, the family decides to head to the Bahamas for some R&R. But they are soon followed by the great white shark, who I guess can sense human vacation plans. Mother Brody, convinced that the shark is repsonsible for her husband's fatal heart attack (I'm not joking about any of this), makes it her mission to kill it once and for all. Bad script, horrible special effects, and Michael Cane sleepwalking through the entire movie make this one pure hell to sit through.

3. Batman & Robin
The film that almost killed the Batman franchise until Christopher Nolan saved it from oblivion. The man responsible for almost sinking one of the most profitable movie franchises in history: Joel Shumacher. Let's list the offenses: nipples on the bat suit, a campy tone closer to the 1960's TV show, a script filled with some of the most awful dialogue this side of a Roger Corman flick, and Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. George Clooney, usually good for at least a compelling performance, never hides the fact that he'd rather be banging a model back in his trailer. It's just a mess that was thankfully wiped from out memories seven years later with Batman Begins.

2. Blues Brothers 2000
I can't even describe how horrible this movie is.

1. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
If you ever want to sit and laugh at a movie for 90 straight minutes, seek out this movie. It centers on Superman wanting to rid the planet of nuclear weapons. Nevermind the fact that he's Superman. If he really wanted to rid the world of nukes, who could stop him? Lex Luthor, that's who. He does so by creating Nuclear Man, who looks like David Coverdale from Whitesnake in black tights. Filled with some of the most horrid special effects in a big-budget movie, this film sunk the Superman franchise for 19 years unti Superman Returns came along. If you haven't seen this movie and are morbidly curious when it comes to cinematic train wrecks, by all means check this one out.

Robbed!!!!! pt.2. Performances That Should've At Least Been Nominated But Weren't

: the_bastard_son; February 20th, 2010

In the second part of my Oscar-season themed lists, I take a look at some of my favorite performances that I feel should've at least gotten a nomination but, alas, were left out in the cold. These are performances that may not have deserved to win, but should've at least gotten a chance to do so. So I will do my best to show some love to these performances by giving them the recognition that the Academy refused to give.

1. John Goodman (Best Supporting Actor 1998) for The Big Lebowski

Actual Nominees: James Coburn in Affliction (winner), Robert Duvall in A Civil Action, Ed Harris in The Truman Show, Geoffrey Rush in Shakespeare in Love, and Billy Bob Thornton in A Simple Plan

I've been known to give a lot of love to John Goodman's performance as twisted Vietnam vet Walter Sobchak in the Coen Brothers' brilliant comedy The Big Lebowski. And the reason for that is because I think it's one of the most brilliant performances of all time. Goodman gives Walter a manic screen presence that very few actors would have been able to pull off. He also gives him a teddy bear-type of inner core. Walter doesn't do what he does just to be a goon. He does it because he honestly believes he's doing the right thing. And Goodman always lets that shine through. Even when he's yanking a crippled man out of his wheelchair in a futile attempt to prove he can really walk. You could've easily taken Duvall or Rush off of the list of nominees and inserted Goodman in.

2. Esai Morales (Best Supporting Actor 1987) in La Bamba

Actual Nominees: Sean Connery in The Untouchables (winner), Albert Brooks in Broadcast News, Morgan Freeman in Street Smart, Vincent Gardenia in Moonstruck, and Denzel Washington in Cry Freedom

La Bamba was one of my favorite movies as a little kid. But, after viewing it through a grown-up's eyes, I've realized that even though it's still a good movie it's really just another by-the-numbers rock biopic. But what sets La Bamba apart from most biopics is that the strongest presence in the movie isn't the principal subject. Lou Diamond Phillips does a pretty good job in his film debut as 17 year old rock pioneer Richie Valens who met a tragic early demise in the same plane crash that killed Buddy Holly. But the real star of this movie is Esai Morales, who steals every scene he's in as Richie's ex-con half brother Bob. Morales really is a jack of all trades in this movie. He's the comic relief, a creeping menace, and a source of empathy. And it's really hard to empathise with a guy who practically rapes his wife. But Morales puts the right amount of humanity into a character that could've easily been a one-dimensional stereotype. While I'll admit that the 1987 Supporting Actor race was a very very strong one, I wouldn't have been upset if Brooks or Gardenia were left off of this list in favor of Morales.

3. Karen Allen (Best Actress 1981) in Raiders of the Lost Ark

Actual Nominees: Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond (winner), Diane Keaton in Reds, Marsha Mason in Only When I Laugh, Susan Sarrandon in Atlantic City, and Meryl Streep in The French Lieutenant's Woman

Great roles for women in Hollywood are, unfortunately, tough to come by. That's why it's hard to find female performances that have been overlooked because since there are so few worthy ones written in a given year, the great ones almost certainly get nominated. But there are a few exceptions, and the first comes from an unlikely source. Karen Allen gives a really solid performance as Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Few big budget action films boast award worthy performances, but I vote for Allen for two reasons: she makes you care for her character and she holds her own against one of the biggest action icons of all time. While Indiana Jones cheats death and beats the crap out of Nazi's with relative ease, he has an equal in both smarts and physicality in Marion. And Allen does a great job of making it all believable. Would anybody have cried if Marsha Mason was left off the list in favor of Allen? I know I wouldn't have.

4. Steve Buscemi (Best Supporting Actor 1992) in Resevoir Dogs

Actual Nominees: Gene Hackman in Unforgiven (winner), Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game, Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, Al Pacino in Glengarry Glen Ross, and David Paymer in Mr. Saturday Night

Steve Buscemi has been one of the top go-to supporting actors in Hollywood for almost twenty years. And the main reason for that was his performance in Quentin Tarrantino's first feature, Resevoir Dogs. Playing the weasely diamond thief Mr. Pink, Buscemi sets himself apart from an ensemble cast that includes heavyweights like Harvey Keitel and Tim Roth. It was this role that put Buscemi on the map and it is definitely worthy of being in the company of other nominees like Hackman, Pacino, and Nicholson. Either Paymer or Davidson can come right off this list to make room for Steve.

5. James Earl Jones (Best Actor 1980) in The Empire Strikes Back

Actual Nominees: Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull (winner), Robert Duvall in The Great Santini, John Hurt in The Elephant Man, Jack Lemmon in Tribute, and Peter O'Toole in The Stunt Man

I know that James Earl Jones only provided his voice for the role of Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, but I think his work in the film was enough to at least garner a nomination. Vader is one of the most identifiable icons in contemporary pop culture. And a lot of that has to do with Jones' vocal talents. He should've gotten the nod for Empire since that was the film which showcased Vader the most. Not many actors can instill dread with only their voice. Jones can, and he did as Vader. Jack Lemmon was a great actor, but Tribute wasn't his best role. He could give way to James on this one.

6. Joey Lauren Adams (Best Actress 1997) in Chasing Amy

Actual Nominees: Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets (winner), Helena Bonham Carter in The Wings Of The Dove, Julie Christie in Afterglow, Judi Dench in Mrs. Brown, and Kate Winslet in Titanic

Speaking of people with distinctive voices, Joey Lauren Adams and her squeaky voice show up on this list for her role as a lesbian with a past in Chasing Amy. There are a lot of people who can't stand Adams or her voice, but I think she was the glue that held Kevin Smith's surprisingly poignant movie together. She comes off as a very cool and independent woman who deals with her new sutor's insecurities about her past until she can't take it anymore. Known primarily as a comedy actress before this film, she proved her dramatic chops in this role and I feel she could've at least gotten a nod over Winslet, who's a great actress but wasn't at her best in Titanic.

7. Jim Carrey (Best Actor 1998) in The Truman Show

Actual Nominees: Roberto Begnigni in Life Is Beautiful (winner), Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, Ian McKellan in Gods and Monsters, Nick Nolte in Affliction, and Edward Norton in American History X

Before The Truman Show, Jim Carrey was known as the goofy guy from Dumb and Dumber and Ace Ventura who sang out of his ass. That was the image he was trying to escape when he took the role of a man who has been raised since birth in a sealed-off studio as his every move has played out on television. But when a woman sneaks in and opens his eyes to what is really going on, he finds himself wanting to escape to the real world. Carrey did such a good job in this role that many people were anticipating him getting a nomination. But the snooty Academy members probably couldn't bring themselves to vote for a man who had been Ace Ventura just five years prior, so he was snubbed. Which nominee would I take off in favor of Carrey? The winner, Roberto Benigni. I can't stand him.

8. David Patrick Kelly (Best Supporting Actor 1979) in The Warriors

Actual Nominees: Melvyn Douglas in Being There (winner), Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now, Justin Henry in Kramer vs. Kramer, Mickey Rooney in The Black Stallion, and Frederic Forrest in The Rose

"Warriors! Come out and plaaaaaaaaaaay!". When I saw the director's cut of Walter Hill's cult classic The Warriors, I found out that David Patrick Kelly (playing Luther, the leader of the Rogues) actually improvised what is now one of the most imitated scenes in modern movies. Kelly chews apart the scenery as the psychopath with a Napoleon complex who is dead set on destroying the Warriors. Not many men this side of Joe Pesci have caused such fear in such a small package. The performance is chilling and Kelly, a dependable character actor for decades, deserved at least a nod for his work over Henry, Rooney, and Forrest.

9. Helena Bonham Carter (Best Supporting Actress 1999) in Fight Club

Actual Nominees: Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted (winner), Toni Collete in The Sixth Sense, Catherine Keener in Being John Malkovich, Samantha Morton in Sweet and Lowdown, and Chloe Sevigny in Boys Don't Cry

Fight Club was one of the most criminally overlooked movies of 1999. While movies like American Beauty and The Sixth Sense took all the accolades, Fight Club tanked at the box office. But, like most movies that didn't find their audience during their theatrical release, it found a huge cult following once it was released to video. In the eleven years since its release, David Fincher's pitch black comedy has finally gotten the respect it should've gotten all along. And since the movie itself was overlooked, so was the brilliant performance of Helena Bonham Carter as Marla Singer, a messed up woman clinging onto an even more messed up Edward Norton. The role is crucial to the film's success, and Carter nails it with everything she has. Toni Collete and Chloe Sevigny could have easily been left off the list in favor of Carter.

10. Wesley Snipes (Best Actor 1991) in New Jack City

Actual Nominees: Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs (winner), Robin Williams in The Fisher King, Nick Nolte in The Prince Of Tides, Warren Beatty in Bugsy, and Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear

Okay, New Jack City is a pretty terrible movie. Mario Van Peebles wrote and directed this tale of the early days of the crack trade with all the subtlty of fat guy running headlong into a piece of plywood. But what saves this movie from being an outright disaster is Wesley Snipes' performance as Nino Brown, the cracklord of New York City. This movie lives or dies on it's villian, and Snipes does a great job of portraying a man who gets to the top of the world and truly begins to believe he's above the law. And he's almost proven correct. Snipes is never going to be confused for Olivier, but he can break out a killer performance when he has to and he did so in New Jack City. Warren Beatty basically played Warren Beatty in Bugsy, only a little more violent. He could've stood down and given his nomination to a man who can play a gangster with some believability.

Robbed!!!! Ten movies that should've won the Best Picture Oscar but didn't.

: the_bastard_son; February 17th, 2010

It's Oscar season, folks. It's time to sit back and watch rich Hollywood types give out awards to each other. Millions, myself included, watch the telecast every year. This year, there's something a little different with the night's major award: Best Picture. Instead of the usual five nominees, this year is the first in which ten films are nominated for the award. Was this done for noble means in order to acknowledge worthy films that might have otherwise been overlooked? Or was it the work of producers who want a better chance for their movies to carry the important title of Best Picture Nominee? Who cares, really? The Academy usually doesn't get this catergory right, anyway. Here are ten examples of how clueless Academy voters can be when it comes to handing out the most important cinema award of the year.

1. Raging Bull (1980)
Actual Winner: Ordinary People
Poor Martin Scorsese. Until he finally broke through in 2006 with The Departed, Marty was getting absolutely zero lovin' from the Academy despite making some of the best films of all time. Scorsese got screwed so many times that his movies populate three slots on this list. The first is his gritty 1980 biopic of former boxing champ Jake LaMotta, Raging Bull. Shot in stunning black and white and containing what is arguably Robert DeNiro's best performance, Raging Bull was not only lauded by critics at the time of its release but has been annointed in retrospect as the best movie of the 80's. So you would think this would be a shoo-in for the top honor, right? WRONG! The Academy instead went with the Robert Redford tale of WASPy angst, Ordinary People. This was such a major blunder that there are people who are so angry with the decision, 30 years after the fact, that they refuse to acknowledge Ordinary People's win. I might not go to that extreme, but I'm still dumbfounded how the Academy could've dropped the ball so bad. But a high school friend of mine, Mike Schindler, put it into real prespective. He said "What was Ordinary People about? Rich, messed up white people. Who makes up the majority of the Academy? Rich, messed up white people". I get it now.

2. Goodfellas (1990)
Actual Winner: Dances With Wolves
Not only is Goodfellas Martin Scorsese's best film, it's my favorite film of all time. A journey through 30 years of mafia life, this film is about as close to perfect as a movie can possibly get. Yet the Academy, in their infinite wisdom, decided to to give the trophy to Kevin Costner and his three hour epic Dances With Wolves. The only reason why this oversight isn't number one on this list is because I concede the fact that Dances With Wolves is actually a really good film, unlike Ordinary People. Any other year, I wouldn't have a problem with Costner winning the Oscar. But against Goodfellas? No dice.

3. Pulp Fiction (1994)
Actual Winner: Forest Gump
Forest Gump won over the hearts of millions in 1994 with its tale of a functionally retarded man's journey through some of the biggest moments in American history. So much so that going into the Oscars, the film was the hands-down favorite to win almost every award it was nominated for. And, indeed, it did. But a funny thing happened in the fifteen years since. People started to realize that Forest Gump, while good, didn't really age all that well. It's the kind of movie that you can watch every few years or so without any problem but wouldn't really want to watch any more than that.. But one of the other nominees, Quentin Tarrantino's now legendary Pulp Fiction, has had such an impact on contemporary film making that it not only produced devoted followers who can quote it line for line but also spawned an entire genre of crime capers with snappy dialogue that dominated movie theaters in the mid to late 90's. Forest Gump was a nice story, but Pulp Fiction was the better film with a much higher impact on pop culture.

4. Alien (1979)
Actual Winner: Kramer vs. Kramer
For years, there have been two genres that Academy voters have continually given the cold shoulder to: Comedy and Horror. There have been exceptions to the rule (Annie Hall and Silence of the Lambs being the biggest examples), but genre films have gotten the shaft year in and year out. 1979 was a pretty weak year for movies in general, but my pick for the top film of that year was a masterful tale of suspense and claustrophobic terror. Ridley Scott's Alien does what films are supposed to do, touch on our primal emotions and make the two hours spent watching it a breathtaking experience. And that's exactly what happens when you watch this film. I don't think there's too many people who can say the same for Kramer vs. Kramer.

5. Star Wars (1977)
Actual Winner: Annie Hall
I know I brought up Annie Hall as an example of the few comedies that have won the Best Picture award, but I honestly have never been a huge Woddy Allen fan. Annie Hall may have been an innovative example of comedic storytelling and is definitely Allen's best film, but take into account that it won the award that year over a little film you may or may not have heard of named Star Wars. This film started an empire and revolutionized not only the science fiction genre but also the way movies are marketed. Star Wars impacted not only film but pop culture in a huge way. Annie Hall may be a nice little movie, but Star Wars is Star Wars.

6. Boogie Nights (1997)
Actual Winner: Titanic
Titanic was a juggernaut when it was released at the end of 1997. It made a gazillion dollars at the box office and pretty much cemented the award for Best Picture before the nominees were even announced. But the truth of the matter is that Titanic wasn't even the second best film of that year. That honor goes to L.A. Confidential. The best movie of 1997 was Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights, a look inside the porn industry in the 70's and 80's. While Titanic was an impressive re-creation of the sinking of the massive ship that definitely deserved every technical Oscar that came its way, the story rang hollow. Boogie Nights, on the other hand, had two things that Titanic didn't: heart and an interesting story. Anderson made a deeply involving character study about lovable doofuses living in the seedy underbelly of the entertainment industry. Titanic had two pretty people trying to survive a shipwreck. The fact that Boogie Nights wasn't even nominated for the big award is even more of an insult.

7. Taxi Driver (1976)
Actual Winner: Rocky
Don't get me wrong. I love the original Rocky. It's far and away the best thing Sylvester Stallone has ever done. But I think the real reason why Rocky beat Taxi Driver in 1976 wasn't because it was the better film...because it clearly wasn't. I think it was because it was everything Taxi Driver wasn't: a crowd pleasing movie about an everyday joe people could get behind who overcomes the odds and does something nobody thought he could. And since 1976 was right smack dab in the middle of a very low point in American morale, it made more sense to reward the uplifting film instead of rewarding the better film since that film was about as uplifting as a terminal cancer diagnosis. Much like Raging Bull, Scorsese made the defining film of its decade. And like Raging Bull, it was shafted of the big award.

8. Do The Right Thing (1989)
Actual Winner: Driving Miss Daisy
I've never been too big on Spike Lee joints, but this movie was the real deal. Do The Right Thing is an explosive tale about racial tensions in Brooklyn simmering during the hottest day of the summer. Before this movie, nobody really had had the guts to make an honest film about race relations that was set in modern times as opposed to the civil rights era. But Lee stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park. The Academy, though, isn't too keen on rewarding controversial films. Oh, they tossed Lee a bone by nominating him for best original screenplay (which he lost to the guy who wrote Dead Poets Society), but the big prize that year went to Driving Miss Daisy. If it wasn't already an insult that his film wasn't even nominated, it must have really been salt in his wound that the winner was about a racist old woman and her black indentured servant.

9. Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)
Actual Winner: Chariots Of Fire
Steven Spielberg and George Lucas' homage to serial cliffhangers of the 30's and 40's, Raiders of the Lost Ark was not only the biggest moneymaker of 1981 but also the movie with the most staying power. That has a lot to do with it being a much better film than that year's winner, Chariots of Fire. If you ask someone who Indiana Jones is, they will no doubt have the answer. If you ask somebody what Chariots of Fire is about, chances are they'll look at you blankly for 10 seconds before telling you it's about the Trojan War and not the story of English long distance runners. Anybody who says Chariots of Fire is better than Raiders is on crack. Or British.

10. Memento (2001)
Actual Winner: A Beautiful Mind
Christopher Nolan made a brilliant mindfuck of a movie with Memento. By telling the movie in reverse order, it gives him the perfect avenue to take what we think is a very straightforward tale of revenge and melds it into something completely different and mind blowing by the time we get to the final frame. But, keeping with the Academy staple of rewarding the safe prestige movie over the thought provoking original, it gave the award to Ron Howard's limp A Beautiful Mind while only nominating Memento for it's screenplay...which it lost. Sound familiar?

Fun In A Dark Place That Doesn't Involve Latex: My Top Ten Movies Of The Decade

: the_bastard_son; December 28th, 2009

I love movies. Ever since I was a kid, I've been a nut for the cinema. Going to the movies, for me, is like going to church. But instead of kneeling, standing, kneeling again, and trying to sing along to hymns that you have no clue as to what the lyrics are, you just sit in a darkened theater with a hundred strangers and you share an experience. Whether it be laughing at a comedy, crying at a drama, or screaming at a horror flick there is nothing on this Earth quite like going to the movies. It's a feeling that I think most people taker for granted. But next time you go to the theater, just try to soak it in knowing that you may be seeing what someone in the audience will find to be their favorite film ever for the very first time. Unless you're at a Michael Bay movie. That all being said, here is my list of my favorite films released between the years 2000-2009.

10. Zodiac (2007)
David Fincher, in my humble opinion, is the new Hitchcock. I don't think there's a filmmaker out there today who can wring as much tension and suspense out of an audience the way he can. And Zodiac proves to be his best example. Following the events of the Zodiac Killer who stalked the streets of San Francisco in the early 70's, Fincher takes us on a journey that's not just about catching the allusive killer (who, by the way, was never caught), but also how the hunt consumed the lives of the people tracking him. The cast is perfect. Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and Robert Downey Jr. all turn in excellent performances as men driven to the point of obession in their hunt for the identity of the killer. And the fact that their work is all for naught just nails home the point that even the most dogged of hunters don't always get their man. Also, try listening to the song Hurdy Gurdy Man by Donovan after watching this movie without getting a chill up your spine. It won't happen.

9. High Fidelity (2000)
On it's surface, this Americanized adaptation of Nick Hornby's novel about a record store owner and his bombed-out love life is standard romantic comedy fare. But it's much more than that. It's an honest look at adult relationships. It's not affraid to show the flaws in its characters instead of taking the safe route and portraying them as one-dimensional stereotypes. The protaganist, John Cusack's Rob Gordon, is likable enough but he can also be a real asshole. Yet we still go on the journey with him because he, like us, is not perfect and he knows it. At some points, you want to hug him. At others, you want to hit him in the face with a cast-iron skillet. But he's consistent throughout, just as the movie is consistently honest and funny.

8. Grindhouse (2007)
If you didn't see this in theaters, then you really missed out. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino took their love for 70's and 80's exploitation films and gave it the royal treatment. Billed as a double feature with Rodriguez's Planet Terror (a spoof of early 80's sci-fi horror flicks) and Tarantino's Death Proof (an homage to 70's chase flicks) that also included fake trailers directed by the likes of Rob Zombie and Eli Roth as well as missing reels placed strategically throughout both features, it gave you the feeling of being in a seedy theater circa 1979. As long as you opened yourself up to the experience without taking it too seriously, it was the most fun to be had at a theater this decade.

7. Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King (2003)
The climax to Peter Jackson's epic telling of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings saga, Return Of The King brings everything fans were hoping to see since the first film to beautiful life. Frodo and Sam finally reaching Mt. Doom, Aragorn taking his place as king, Sauron's forces finally being defeated. It's all here. This film was the one honored with a best picture Oscar, but I'm sure it was meant to honor the series as a whole. And so is this mention.

6. Knocked Up (2007)
This was the decade of Apatow. Starting in 2005 with The 40 Year Old Virgin, Apatow staked his claim as the king of the comedy world. And with it, he elevated the careers of those who worked with him like Steve Carrell, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann (who also happens to be Mrs. Apatow), and Jonah Hill. But the biggest beneficiary to Apatow's rise is easily Seth Rogan. Formerly a side man in movies like You, Me, and Dupree, Rogan became the most unlikely leading man in Hollywood thanks to his breakout role in Knocked Up. Apatow plays an unemployed pothead who accidentaly impregnates career woman Katherine Heigel. Heartfelt and flat-out hillarious, Knocked Up is Apatow's strongest effort to date.

5. City Of God (2002)
A movies that grabs you from the very first frame and doesn't let go for two and a half hours, Fernando Meirelles' high voltage tale follows a boy named Rocket who yearns to escape Rio's most violent slum - The City Of God - in order to become a photographer. But to do that, he must dodge bullets and escape the violence of gang warfare that surrounds him every day. A visceral ride from start to finish, City of God is not only one of the best films of the decade but also one of the most important.

4. Shaun Of The Dead (2004)
Dubbed a romantic comedy with zombies, Shaun of the Dead is a loving send-up of Romerro zombie movies from Edgar Wright and star Simon Pegg, known before this for the BBC comedy series Spaced. Pegg plays Shaun, a slacker who's lost his girlfriend and is stuck in a dead-end existence with his other slacker friend Ed. And then the zombie plague hits, which gives Shaun the opportunity to not only get his girlfriend back but also prove to himself that he can accomplish more with his life...if he doesn't lose it in the process. Hand down one of the funniest movies of the past ten years.

3. Kill Bill vol.1 (2003)
Quentin Tarantino's love letter to all of his cinema influences (chop-sockey, samurai, spaghetti western, exploitation, anime, and revenge flicks), Kill Bill was to be a massive 4 hour undertaking. But, instead, QT decided to do the smart thing and break it into two volumes. The first volume opens the tale of The Bride, who was gunned down on her wedding day by her boss Bill and her partners in a secret team of assassins and left for dead. Waking from a coma years later, she sets out to systematicaly kill all those responsible saving Bill for last. Volume 1 is the stronger one in my opinion. It has the kick-ass knife battle between Uma Thurman and Vivica A. Fox, the anime sequence detailing the origin of Lucy Liu's O-Ren Ishii, and the showdown between the Bride and the Crazy 88's. Volume 2 was great as well, but the tip of the cap goes to the first entry.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Wes Anderson's story of a dysfunctional family headed by a lovable con-man. After he splits from the family, his ex-wife and their three children all go their seperate ways. Each has been affected differently from their father's upbringing, all of them in negative ways. But when the father weasels his way back into their lives 20 years later, it makes them all confront the past they've spent years running away from. All of the cast in this film is in top notch form. But none more than Gene Hackman, giving one of the best perfomances of his career as the patriarch Royal Tenenbaum. Wes Anderson infuses the movie with his trademark style of humor, sadness, and quirky vintage set design. But it's Hackman's performance, one of his last before retiring from film, that brings it all together.

1. The Dark Knight (2008)
Christopher Nolan was the perfect choice to take over the Batman franchise that had been burned to the ground by Joel Schumacher. In order to breath new life into the series, it had to go back to basics. And that's what Nolan did with 2005's Batman Begins, retelling Batman's origin story and setting up the foundation for things to come. While Batman Begins was noticably darker than any of the previous Batman movies, it still felt like a conventional comic-book movie in many ways. That all went out the window for the second installment, The Dark Knight. Where Batman Begins was a little dark, this film was pitch black. More a Heat-esque crime saga than comic book movie, Nolan took over the writing this time with his brother as he had with his previous movie Momento and it shows. The Dark Knight sets up a Gotham City in chaos as The Joker holds it hostage while dismantling Bruce Wayne's life little by little. Much has been made about Heath Ledger's brilliant performance as the Joker, but the underrated Aaron Eckhart does a masterful job as Harvey Dent. The highest grossing movie of the decade is also the best.

Pump It Up: My Favorite Albums Of The Decade

: the_bastard_son; December 14th, 2009

It's been a very interesting decade for music. It started off with Lars Ulrich taking on Napster and ends with some creepy looking chick named Lady Gaga being the most popular artist in the land. But while there have been plenty of lowlights over the past ten years (Nickleback, Boy Bands, Avril Lavigne just to name a few), there have also been some bright spots. And with that, I bring you my personal Top Ten Favorite Albums relased between the years 2000-2009:

10. Andrew W.K. I Get Wet (2001)
If you've ever wondered what it would sound like if someone in desperate need of Ritalin went off his meds and made an album, look no further. This album explodes right from the opening track and never lets up. It's a panzer assualt of guitars, keyboards, piano, and the hulking W.K.'s shouting vocals. But while you'd think the results would be unlistenable, it's anything but. W.K. proves that he's got a very keen ear for pop melody and catchy hooks, which makes tracks like She Is Beautiful and Party Hard not only loud but also sing-along worthy. And in case you were wondering, W.K. took a brick to his nose in order to get that picture for the album cover. Nobody can accuse the guy of doing things half-assed.

Best Tracks: Party Hard, Girls Own Love, Ready To Die, She Is Beautiful

9. Anthrax We've Come For You All (2003)
The last album to date featuring their best frontman John Bush (not counting the re-hash album Greater of Two Evils), Anthrax did something that most people thought they couldn't do anymore: make a solid album. While the band sticks to their metal roots on most of the songs, they also branch out a bit into 70's style arena rock on Taking The Music Back (featuring Roger Daltry) and even southern-tinged rock on Cadillac Rock Box (featuring the late Dimebag Darrel on guitar). While not at the height of their powers anymore, this album proved Anthrax still has some gas left in the tank.

Best Tracks: What Doesn't Die, Safe Home, Any Place But Here, Nobody Knows Anything

8. The Roots Phrenology (2002)
Before they became the house band on the worst show on late-night TV, The Roots were one of if not the most well respected hip-hop group in the land. Loved by both the bling-loving crunkers and the backpack-wearing heads, The Roots were the poster children for Hip Hop with substance. And they released a killer album in 2002 that infused hip-hop, R&B, soul, and even a little bit of rock. Hopefully Jimmy Fallon will cut them some slack every once in a while so they can make more albums like this.

Best Tracks: Rolling With Heat, Thought At Work, The Seed 2.0, Break You Off

7. The Darkness Permisson To Land (2003)
When these guys broke onto the scene from England, nobody was sure whether their over-the-top approach to rock was serious or ironic. In the end, it doesn't really matter because this album is one of the best examples of straight ahead hard rock since Back In Black. Though the band proved to be short lived due to frontman Justin Hawkins' leaving the group for rehab and forming his own band, nobody can take away this slice of rock gold.

Best Tracks: Get Your Hands Off My Woman, Love Is Only A Feeling, Love On The Rocks With No Ice, Holding My Own

6. Ghostface Killah Fishscale (2006)
While Method Man may be the most popular, ODB the most notorious, and The RZA the one hailed as the genius, the member of the Wu Tang Clan with the most artistic success outside of the group is arguably Ghostface. 1996's Ironman is still considered the best of the Wu Tang solos and he only bolstered his reputation with Supreme Clientele. But it was this album's raw depictions of the cocaine trade that has turned out to be his masterpiece.

Best Tracks: Kilo, The Champ, 9 Mili Bros., Big Girl

5. Tenacious D Tenacious D (2001)
Hands down the funniest album of the decade, Tenacious D's self titled debut also serves as one of the best musically as well. The album is stuffed back to front with the D's signature blend of rocking tunes and hillarious lyrics. Fuck Her Gently still gets my vote for Song of The Decade. While the luster was taken off of the group a little following 2007's Pick Of Destiny, this album still stands as proof that Jack Black and Kyle Gass can rock your fucking socks off.

Best Tracks:Tribute, Wonderboy, Fuck Her Gently, Dio, Rock Your Socks

4. Fu Manchu King Of The Road (2000)
This album is nothing but riffs. Big, fat, beautiful riffs that make you want to rock out like you too are a stoner from SoCal. How none of the songs on this album are included in any of the Guitar Hero games is beyond me. This album is made for air guitar. The boys in Fu Manchu have been around for 20 years now, even though most of you still probably don't know who the hell they are. To become initiated to them, do what I did and pick up this album. The Rock Gods will approve.

Best Tracks: King Of The Road, Over The Edge, Blue Tile Fever, Weird Beard, Hotdoggin'

3. Queens Of The Stone Age Songs For The Deaf (2002)
Josh Homme and Nick Oliveri decided that to follow up what had up to that point been considered their best album, 2000's Rated R, they needed to bring in some major help. So what did they do? They brought in Mark Lannegan from the Screaming Trees to play guitar and contribute to the songwriting as well as tasking Dave Grohl to man the drums. The result was nothing but great rock music from front to back. Oliveri was fired from the band shortly after the album's release and Lannegan and Grohl went back to their own gigs, but for one shining moment QOTSA was the best rock band on the planet and this album is the result.

Best Tracks: No One Knows, Hanging Tree, Song For The Dead, Gonna Leave You, Mosquito Song

2. OutKast Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (2003)
Many people, myself included, thought that there was no way in hell OutKast could top 2000's Stankonia. In 2003, they proved us wrong. Deciding to each do their own album and release it as a double album, Big Boi and Andre 3000 set the music world on fire. Big Boi's Speakerboxxx is filled with inventive Dirty South Hip Hop that takes the Crunk genre and tweaks it a bit to fit OutKast's quirky sensibilities. Andre 3000's The Love Below, on the other hand, takes everything from rock, lounge music, vaudville routines, and Nat King Cole style swing and blends it into a brew of pure Hip Hop genius. We're still waiting for the boys to top this one. Hopefully they'll find a way in the new decade.

Best Tracks:
Speakerboxxx: Ghetto Musick, The Way You Move, Bust, Flip Flop Rock, Last Call
The Love Below: Prototype, Hey Ya, Roses, Pink & Blue, Dracula's Wedding

1. The White Stripes Elephant (2003)
I'm a huge fan of the White Stripes and, as far as I'm concerned, all of their albums can occupy this slot. But if I could only choose one, it'd be Elephant. The album perfectly captures the best things about the band. Jack White's genius songwriting and master guitar work complemented by Meg White's unspectacular yet competent drumming. It's the Stripe's best work so far and it's easily my favorite album of this weird yet brilliant musical decade.

Best Tracks: Seven Nation Army, Hardest Button To Button, I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself, Ball And Biscuit

Ow, My Freakin' Ears!: The Ten Worst Music Acts Of The Decade

: the_bastard_son; November 20th, 2009

Every decade has its fair share of acts that define the times. But, on the flip side, there's also the acts that put the spotlight on the horrible musical trends of the decade. The 70's had Bread and The Starland Vocal Band. The 80's had Journey and almost every hair band that slithered out of the Sunset Strip. The 90's had Vanilla Ice, Celine Dion, and Limp Bizkit. And now that this decade is coming to a close, it's time to expose the performers guilty of the biggest crimes against music over the past ten years.

10. Weezer
In the mid-90's, Weezer was one of the best bands on the planet. Their 1994 self-titled debut (commonly known as The Blue Album) and the 1996 followup Pinkerton were modern power-pop masterpieces that endeared them into the hearts of nerdy kids nationwide. Then the band vanished for five years as lead man Rivers Cuomo decided to study at Harvard instead of writing disturbingly personal songs about underage Japanese girls. But Weezer's cult continued to grow in their absence and the band returned in 2001 with what is commonly known as The Green Album. While it featured some catchy tunes and radio hits, it wasn't as strong an effort as their previous two albums. And the quality has continued to degrade with every release to the point that the band has become a parody of itself. Rivers may have been the voice of nerdy boys everywhere fifteen years ago. But now, knocking on 40, he just comes off as the guy at the concert still trying to prove he can rock out before he busts his shit in the mosh pit.

9. Beyonce
Who the fuck told this girl she could sing? Probably the millions of people duped into buying her shitty overproduced albums. In the late 90's into the early part of this decade, she was the centerpiece of the R&B group Destiny's Child, despite the fact that sidekick Kelly Rowland was hands down a better singer than her. But when your father is the group's manager, it's easy to supress true talent and thrust yourself into the limelight. Anyway, Beyonce soon ditched the group and went solo, Dozens of shitty singles and a marriage to one of the most powerful moguls in music later, she's on top of the world...and all this while possessing the singing voice of a sedated hen. She is the American Dream.

8. Dashboard Confessional
Do you see that picture above? That's this band in a nutshell, some emo douche from Florida named Chris Carrabba playing cloying songs about heartbreak that have been done billions of times before to much better effect. This band has a special place on this list due to a particular MTV taping where Carrabba played his 2002 hit Screaming Infidelities to a room full of teens and early twenty-somethings looking like they'd been swiped straight out of an American Eagle catalog, every single one of them singing along to the song. It's one of those moments where you know that those kids are going look at that video and be embarassed as hell, denying to the death that it's them on the screen singing along like a moron to a horrible song.

7. Rascal Flatts
I'm not a Country fan, so I don't know much about these guys. All I know is their biggest hit is a cover of Tom Cochran's early 90's hit Life Is A Highway. That's reason enough for these guys to grab a spot on this list. That, along with the fact that they personify everything that is wrong with modern Country music. Slick, overproduced, straight-up pop music is what these guys make. Calling them a Country group is like calling Linkin Park a metal band. Just because they possess some of the qualities of the genre doesn't mean they fit in. Speaking of which...

7. Linkin Park
Linkin Park, or as Ian Robinson once aptly dubbed them "Tonka's My First Metal Band", dropped in right at the dawn of the decade with 2000's multi-platinum Hybrid Theory, tricking millions of teenage boys into thinking that turntables, screaming, and horrible rapping where the cornerstones of great Metal music. Didn't they learn anything from Fred Durst? There's so much to hate about this band, but I tend to zero in on the guitar player who constantly wears a set of headphones as he plays. Maybe it's to preserve his hearing or maybe he's just doing it because he thinks it makes him look interesting. Either way, he deserves to be lined up with the rest of his bandmates and get kicked in the balls by every single person they duped with their "Metal" music.

6. Lil' Jon
I blame you, Lil' Jon, for popularizing the genre that I've dubbed Ringtone Rap. These are Hip Hop songs that put priority on a 3 second loop of music getting people out on the dancefloor over thought provoking lyrics. And the lyrics that are featured in these songs are just macho boasts about how much cash, ho's, and bling the artist has. These songs are tailor made to be sold in every concievable way possible, hence the name Ringtone Rap. Do you think Chuck D cared about if people could download Welcome To The Terrordome on their cell phones when he wrote it? Something tells me he didn't.

5. Godsmack
This band is about as generic as rock music can get. You want proof? They had hits with two different songs that were essentially the same song. I know what you're saying, "Tony, AC/DC has been making the same album for 30 years". But at least you can tell the difference between Back in Black and Highway To Hell. Godsmack are the only band I can think of that wrote the same song twice and both were hits. Go and listen to Voodoo and Serentiy and tell me with a straight face that they're not the same song. This is music for meatheads.

4. John Mayer
There are people out there that swear by John Mayer and his music. I, sir, am not one of them. Instead, I will go so far as to anoint him as this decade's Richard Marx, writing songs that you will hear for eons while you're shopping at the supermarket. His music has no soul to it whatsoever, right down to his vocals that sound like they're being sung by a man with an anvil crushing his diaphram. Your Body Is A Wonderland will not only go down as one of the worst songs of this decade but of all time.

3. 3 Doors Down
A bunch of hicks from Mississippi posing as a rock band, these guys haven't seen an Army commercial they couldn't set to music. As with the majority of popular rock acts this century, these guys do not distinguish themselves from any other band on the top 20. They look plain, they sound plain, and they stick with the formula because they know it sells. It's bands like these guys that make me wonder why we as a country have such bad taste in music. You mean to tell me that bands like Fu Manchu play in clubs and these assholes pack stadiums? Sad.

2. Black Eyed Peas
The sad thing about this band is that they actually used to be a respectable Hip Hop group. Their first two albums pushed them to the forefront of the back-to-basics movement at the start of the decade along with groups like Jurassic 5. But then they hooked up with a new singer named Fergie (AKA Satan's Niece), frontman will.i.am became this decade's P. Diddy, and they turned their backs on organic Hip Hop and decided to go the Hip Pop route...probably because it pays better.

1. Nickleback
The highest-selling rock act of the decade is also the worst by far. I know I've railed on other groups on this list for being bland and generic, but these guys make such an art out of the practice that they sell millions of albums filled back to front with crap and the American music buying public keeps coming back for more. They are the Hootie and The Blowfish of this decade. The band that has sold oil tankers full of albums yet you cannot find a single person who admits to having bought one. And with good reason.

If You Drove Into A Gas Tanker, The World Would Be A Better Place: The Top Ten Douchebags

: the_bastard_son; November 12th, 2009

It seems that with the advent of reality TV, media oversaturation, and the public's insatiable thurst for even the most minor of celebrities, we are now living in the Golden Age Of Douchebaggery. Those people who used to be the drunk losers at the bar looking to start a fight with anyone just to get some attention are now giving "EXCLUSIVE!" interviews on Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight on a daily basis.If we rounded up the following ten people into a rocket and jettisoned them into the void of outer space like the trash they are, I'm sure we could achieve world peace. Just sayin'.

10. Levi Johnston
When you try to parlay knocking up the daughter of a crazy-ass Vice Presidential candidate into a career in Hollywood, you have cemented your status as a major ass-hat. This kid (that's right, kid. This douche is only 19) has gone from playing a puppet in Sarah Palin's run for the White House to posing full-frontal for Playgirl. And. all the while, whoring himself out to any media outlet who will listen to his story about how he "totally boned Bristol Palin in the Alaskan Governor's Mansion without wearing a condom, dude. It was awesome! High five, bro. Can you buy me some beer?". This guy needs to be crosschecked in the face with a spiked hockey stick.

9. Dustin Diamond
Everybody remembers Screech, the lovable doofus from the Saturday morning staple Saved By The Bell. But those fuzzy memories are wiped away once you get to know the man behind the role, Dustin Diamond. A glory hound and media whore par excellance, Diamond has done anything and everything to keep his D-list celebrity light shining. From touring with his horrendously unfunny stand-up act to making a porno (who the fuck wants to see Screech having sex with anything?), the guy is the definitiion of shameless self-promoter. Want proof? He even stooped so low as to pretend he was bankrupt and losing his house in an effort to sell t-shirts at $15 a pop that read "I paid $15 to help Screech save his house". The only problem was that Diamond was neither bankrupt nor in danger of losing his house. He should be stoned to death by people who actually were foreclosed upon.

8. Ann Coulter
You know those people who say totally inappropriate and tasteless things just for the attention and shock value? Ann Coulter is their vacant-eyed harpy queen. From claiming that Jospeh McCarthy was a crusading patriot for ruining people's lives based on their political views, wishing that women didn't have the right to vote because they tend to vote Democrat, to saying that the widows of 9/11 victims were milking their husband's deaths for a quick payout, Ann Coulter has managed to not only say these things but also make a very nice living at it. Does she truly believe what she says? I'd like to think not, instead reasoning that she's instead just a very savvy woman who capatalizes on the tendency of Republican's to buy books and videos by anyone who echoes their own crackpot beliefs. But if she isn't, the reality would be that she's one of the most horrible human beings on the planet.

7. Brett Favre
Does the above picture look familiar? It's from one of Brett Favres 93 retirement press conferences. The ultimate egotistical flip-flopper, Favre retires every year only to hold the NFL hostage by his decision of whether or not he actually meant it this time. Even guys who used to trip over themselves to fellate Favre on a weekly basis are sick of his shit now. As evidenced by the season the Minnesota Vikings are having this year, Favre is proving he can still play. But he's doing so at the cost of making himself look like a jagoff who obviously feels he's above the rest of the league.

6. Glenn Beck
You can't think too hard about the words that come out of Glenn Beck's mouth because if you do, it'll cause your head to morph into a Republican elephant before exploding in a shower of blood, brains, and American flags. Beck has mined the fears and insecurities of conservatives and turned it into millions of dollars. He has also made an art form of taking totally unrelated pieces of evidence and meshing them together to make the feeble minded believe that Democrats are out to turn America into a godless wasteland where you can get abortions at McDonald's drive-thrus. He had Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim, on his show and demanded he prove that he's not working with Al-Qaeda. He thinks Obama's push for health care reform is a way for him to get reparations for slavery. Wha? I think Jon Stewart said it best on the Daily Show when he said of Beck: "Finally, someone who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking".

5. Jimmy Fallon
Probably the worst late-night host since Magic Johnson, Fallon's shtick as an everyman who can't believe he has his own show has worn beyond thin. Gimmicks such as getting your guests to do stunts and games just masks the fact that Fallon isn't engageing enough on his own to hold down the show. Craig Ferguson, his time slot rival at CBS, is everything Fallon isn't. He's a genuinely funny guy who's show is built around his quick wit and chemistry with his guests. Fallon is just a clown who is way out of his element.

4. John Edwards
For those of you who think I just pick on Republicans, that's not true. This Democrat asshole is definitely just as big of a slimeball as any of the Republicans I hate. The personification of the politician who uses his position of power as a license for poon, Edwards cheated on his terminally ill wife with a campaign aide half his age. And not only that, he got her pregnant and forced another aide to falsely claim that he was the actual father. All of this backfired in Edwards' face, effectively sinking his chances of becoming President. If there was one good thing that came out of G.W. Bush getting reelected in 2004 (and there's literally only one thing), it's that it prevented this sleaze from becoming Vice-President.

3. Dane Cook
The favorite stand-up comedian of every frat boy who's never heard a Richard Pryor or George Carlin album, Dane Cook is probably the most unfunny man to every headline arenas with a stand-up comedy show. His routine consists of screaming anecdotes about sex, pop culture, and how much he wants to blow himself (in so many words). And he does so with such manic energy that he tricks the drunk idiots in the crowd into thinking it's actually humorous. "Look, he's jumping up and down and making gorilla noises while pretending that he's masturbating! This is the funniest shit ever!" Bill Hicks is rolling in his grave. Take your super finger and stick it up your ass. Make some gorilla noises while doing so, if you feel the need.

2. Dr. Phil
Back when Brittney Spears went batshit crazy a few years ago, Dr. Phil made it his mission to help her back to sanity...in the presence of his camera crew, naturally. Daddy Spears told Phil to fuck off and he was left looking like the mumbling psuedo-shrink media bitch he is. Just because Oprah thinks you're cool doesn't make it fucking so. And a word of advice, Phil. Before you lecture people on how to make their marriages work, try practicing what you preach first.

1. Jon Gosselin
Douchebags of the world, BOW TO YOUR MASTER!

I Think I Just Crapped Myself: Ten Of The Scariest Movies Of All Time

: the_bastard_son; October 30th, 2009

Halloween is upon us, children. That means it's time to get into the mood by popping a movie into the DVD player (or VCR if you're stuck in 1995) and fire up some flicks that will have you fast forwarding through the rough parts even though you swear to everybody that you don't do such things. Here are ten suggestions to a fittingly scary October 31st.

10. Psycho
I know there are a lot of you out there that think Hitchcock's classic is kind of dated in this era of torture porn, but I beg to differ. I've always been of the opinion that the best horror movies are all about atmosphere and tension, not gore and pop-out scare moments. And this flick has atmosphere up the wazoo. Everybody knows the plot, but you're doing yourself an injustice if you've never actually sit down and watched this film. The famous shower scene alone will freak you out, but there are other moments that will leave you genuinely unsettled.

9. The Thing
I know I just said that I prefer atmosphere over gore, but that doesn't mean I don't like it. And this movie, my friend, is probably one of the goriest movies I've ever seen. An arctic outpost is infiltrated by a shape-shifting alien that mimics the appearance of those it comes in contact with. And it's up to the inhabitants of the outpost to try and kill the alien before it reaches more populated areas. The only problem is, nobody is 100% sure whether the person standing next to them is actually the alien. A classic film of paranoia, isolation, and full blown terror. If you're squeamish when it comes to blood, consider this a warning.

8. Night Of The Living Dead
The original zombie movie from the master of the genre, George A. Romero. This classic from 1968 was truly groundbreaking. Filmed on a shoestring budget with a cast of unknowns on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, Romero unleashed not only the template for every zombie movie to be made for the following 40+ years, he also made a sly social satire of those turbulent late 60's. Everybody I know still gasps when they see the ending for the first time. I'll just say that it's definitely not a Hollywood ending.

7. Candyman
Anybody who denies that, after seeing this movie, they tried saying "Candyman" into a mirror three times only to chicken out after the second time is lying their ass off. The story of a woman tracking an urban myth only to find that it isn't a myth at all, this movie scared the crap out of me when I saw it for the first time. Tony Todd is an intimidating man to begin with. Put a hook on his hand and that man is the stuff nightmares are made of.

6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This movie is fucked up. Even thirty five years after it was made, it's still fucked up. The story of a family of cannibals preying on a group of teenagers in the backwaters of Texas, this flick wouldn't leave my head for weeks after seeing it for the first time. The image of the decaying grandfather trying to hit the girl over the head with a hammer is both funny and disturbing in equal measures. And let's not forget Leatherface. The first time you see him, he clubs a guy over the head with a meat tenderizer which sends him spasming to the floor. Talk about first impressions.

5. Alien
"In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream". Best fucking tagline for a movie EVER. And it fits perfectly. The crew of an intergalactic shipping vessel answers a distress call from a downed ship and are soon overrun by a nasty acid-spewing alien. This movie has probably the best jump-scare moment of all time when Tom Skerritt's character is being chased through the vents of the ship by the alien. If you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you'll just have to see for yourself.

4. A Nightmare On Elm Street
In the case of most horror movies that became franchises, the original is always the best one. That's definitely the case here. Before Freddy Kruger became a wise-cracking guy delivering one-liners before killing people, he was a truly frightening killer who didn't crack wise. He just butchered you in your sleep. I think I didn't sleep for two days after watching this movie. I know I'm not the only one.

3. The Descent
If you've ever entertained the idea of going spelunking in a cave, do yourself a major favor: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE BEFORE YOU DO IT! It will make you return those repelling cables back to R.E.I. faster than you can say "flesh eating cave dweller". Hands down the best horror movie made within the past 10 years.

2. Dawn Of The Dead
"When There's No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Walk The Earth". My second favorite tagline of all time. This is George A. Romero's sequel to his 1968 classic. It took him 10 years to make it, but it was worth the wait. A group of people hole themselves up in a shopping mall and try to wait out the zombie plague. Not just a kick-ass zombie movie but also a satire on consumerism, Romero's zombie movies are always deeper than face value.

1. Halloween
Often imitated, never duplicated. John Carpenter's 1978 masterpiece is the horror movie everybody has been trying to top for the past thirty years. And, in my opinion, nobody has. Michael Myers is not only the best masked killer of all time, but he's become an icon the world over. If you see someone in a Myers mask lumbering toward you in a dark alley, I dare you not to scream like a little girl and run in the opposite direction at roughly the speed of light.

Playing Half-Back For The DOC: Ten Football Players Who Can't Stay Out Of Trouble

: the_bastard_son; October 22nd, 2009

Every major sport has their troublemakers. Meathead jocks who have been told from the age of ten that they're God's gift to sports seem to have a tendency to believe that they're above the law. But the problem seems to be the most widespread in football. Maybe it's the big money contracts. Maybe it's the luxury lifestyle that comes with it. Maybe it's the fact that these guys get their heads caved in on a weekly basis and it clouds their better judgement. I'm guessing it's the latter.

10. Plaxico Burress
Wide reciever Plaxico Burress was the poster boy for football players behaving badly this past year when he was busted for illegal possession of a concealed firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the leg at an NYC nightclub. Nobody told Plax that if you're going to walk around with a Glock in the waistband of your jeans, New York City is probably the last place you'd want to do it based on their zero tolerance policy when it comes to handguns. Just ask Lil' Wayne (who's probably going to jail for a year for the same deal, only he didn't shoot himself in the leg). Pre-leg shooting, Plax was no stranger to the law either. He was subject to not one but two domestic disturbance calls and also got into some trouble for crashing into someone's car without having insurance. How many multi-millionaires do you know who don't have insurance?

9. Mark Chmura
Chmura, former tight end for the Green Bay Packers, isn't one of the more hardened criminals on this list. I just decided to include him because I'm a Bears fan and I hate the Packers. Back in 2000, Chmura (a Republican who refused to meet with then president Clinton in 1997 after the Packers won the Super Bowl because he said he was disgusted with him after the Monica Lewinsky scandal) hosted a prom party at his house. Why a 31 year old man would be hosting a party for high school kids is another issue. The main issue was that at said party, Chmura was accused of third degree sexual assault of the 17 year old babysitter of his kids. He was eventually aquitted of all charges, but tearfully said at the post-trial press conference that his actions at the party were "something a married man should not do". Can't get anything past those cheeseheads.

8. Chris Henry
There are more bulletpoints on Cincinatti Bengals wide reciever Chris Henry's arrest record than there are on most people's resumes. Let's go over the list, shall we? Drug possesion, driving without a valid license or insurance, concealment, agravated assault with a deadly weapon, multiple DUI's, assaulting a valet at a nightclub, and assaulting an innocent bystander because he looked like someone who owed him money. Why the hell isn't this guy in jail?! Oh, I forgot. He's a rich football player.

7. Barret Robbins
An offensive lineman for the 2002 Oakland Raiders that went to the Super Bowl, Robbins was suspended by the team because he went AWOL for most of the week leading up to the game. He finally surfaced two days before the Super Bowl in a hospital, being treated for Bipolar disorder and depression. Many have blamed Robbins' mental issues with concussions suffered playing football added with steroid use. In 2005, Robbins was shot multiple times in a brawl with Miami police and was charged with attempted murder. He currently lives in a halfway house and is ordered to stay away from alcohol as a term of his probation.

6. Christian Peter
This guy sure was a piece of work. To say Christian Peter isn't a fan of women is the dictionary definition of the term "understatement". A star defensive tackle at the University of Nebraska in the early 90's, Peter had a long list of run ins with the Nebraska authorities. On top of threatening to kill a parking attendant, tresspassing, public urination, refusing to comply with police, illegal possesion of alcohol, and failure to appear in court, he also had several instances of assaulting females. He was twice charged with grabbing a woman by the throat, sexaully assaulting a woman in his dorm room, and groping a former Miss Nebraska in a bar and loudly proclaiming how much she loved it. Most infamous of all, though, were the charges that he raped a Nebraska freshman twice in two days. The second time was reportedly in front of two of Peter's Nebraska teammates. Charges were never filed against Peter, but the girl filed a lawsuit against the university and was settled out of court. The charges dogged Peter into the NFL. He was drafted by the New England Patriots in 1996 but was cut after being arrested for another assault against a female just days after the draft. He bounced around the league for a few seasons before finally retiring to obscurity.

5. Maurice Clarett
A star running back who lead the Ohio State Buckeyes to a national championship in his freshman year, Clarett would go from the top of the world to rock bottom in blinding speed. During his sophmore year, Clarett was expelled from Ohio State after an incident where he falsely claimed that $1,000 worth of belongings were stolen from an SUV he was driving. He then tried entering the NFL Draft but was denied due to the league's policy of three years between high school and eligibility for the NFL. He was finally drafted by the Denver Broncos in 2005 but was cut by the team before the start of the season due to difficult behavior. In January of 2006, Clarett was arrested for an armed robbery outside of an Ohio nightclub. While out on bail for that arrest, he was arrested again a few months later after leading police on a high speed chase. He was sentenced to 7 and a half years in prison. He's up for parole sometime next year.

4. Lawrence Phillips
Christian Peter's teammate at that beacon of upstanding gentlemen known as the University of Nebraska, Lawrence Phillips was a rags to riches tale. He was recruited by the Corn Huskers while in a California foster home. Once in Nebraska, Phillips climbed his way up the ladder to starting running back and led the team two national championships. But while at Nebraska, Phillips was arrested for domestic violence against his girlfriend, who claimed he choked her until she went unconscious. This would be a pattern of behavior that would follow Phillips. After an undistinguished NFL career, Phillips retired. In 2005, Phillips was arrested fo driving his car into three teenagers after an argument following a pick-up football game. When he was arrested, he had warrants out on him for two seperate domestic violence charges. Phillips was sentenced to 10 years in prison for the first assault. He faces 25 more years when sentenced for the second assauslt later this year.

3. Todd Marinovich
Brought up by his ex-NFL player father from the day he was born to be the perfect football player, Todd Marinovich never stood a chance. He was denied everything normal kids enjoyed so his dad could mold him into the player he never was. After becoming one of the top high school QB's in the late 80's, the elder Marinovich thought all his molding and brainwashing had finally paid off. But while attending college at USC, Marinovich decided to indulge in everything he had been denied for so long...namely every drug under the sun. Marinovich made it to the NFL, but was eventually banned from the league after violating the drug policy numerous times. Marinovich is currently in jail for his bazillionth drug offense.

2. Pacman Jones
The scourge of strip clubs nationwide, Pacman Jones might as well have used his mug shot as his business card back in 2007. That was the year that the NFL suspended him for the entire season after he was a suspect in a shooting outside of a...you guessed it....strip club. It was his 437th (or there abouts) strip club related offense. One of which was an episode where he attended a strip club with rapper Nelly and "made it rain" by showering one-dollar bills all over the stage. When one of the dancers started picking up the money, Jones became mad that she didn't ask his permission first and proceeded to bash her head on the stage. After the suspension was lifted in 2008, he was signed by the NFL halfway house known as the Dallas Cowboys. But after getting into a physical assault with one of his assistants, the Cowboys dropped him. And when the Dallas Cowboys won't have you, you know you're screwed.

1. O.J. Simpson
Duh.

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